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Not Bewitched XXX
Gene Ross [Adultfyi.com] - If you know any, then you know how adults get.
They see a little kid in a crib and start getting stupid with the baby talk, aaaaaaaaah, cootchie-cootchie-cooootchie-coo. Well, that’s what Will Ryder’s Not Bewitched XXX parody is like. You want to tickle it under the chin, squeeze its cheeks, smack its bottom and make gurgling and cooing noises. Because it’s cute, cuddly and adorable, that’s why. And with the film look going for it, way in a league where porn TV satires were never able to go before.
Ryder has smartly and perfectly captured the magical essence of a show that survived perhaps way past its airing dates largely on the clean and wholesome sex appeal of Elizabeth Montgomery and her bewitching magic.
Me? I wanted to see Montgomery naked, and that would have been a trick all by itself. But that’s because I got to see her in more adult fare, in gangster films like Johnny Cool where you could successfully entertain those kinds of lascivious thoughts. Because, well, you’d been inspired to them by the hip-shaking and quite leggy Montgomery who never played that kind of charcater in sitcom.
Only I don’t know if lascivious is the right word to describe Ryder’s overall plan of attack.
Well, yeah, there’s this one rip roaring scene featuring Michelle Avanti who plays Gladys Kravitz the, fond-of-the-sauce, busy body next door neighbor. Gladys is forever peeking in windows while her silently suffering husband [Dino Bravo], his head in the newspaper, patronizes her in the hope she’ll shut her mouth.
Gladys has sworn that she’s seen Tabitha - transformed into a sexy 18 year old through an irreversible magic spell cast by Eva Angelina’s Aunt Clara which presents a few social complications- making love to a black man.
But, in the true, stilted, racial attitudes of the Sixties, she calls the cops: “Police? I want to report a Negro.”
That the investigating cop happens to be Jack Lawrence makes a lot of sense because Lawrence brings his own metropolitan costumes to the table if it suits the occasion. Pardon the pun. If Ryder needed a fireman, Lawrence could have filled that bill as well. So Lawrence has to patiently sift through the hysteria and have his nuts grabbed by the smart and sometimes foul-mouthed Endora [Nina Hartley] and her awning-sized eyelashes.
Lawrence is assured that girls in the neighborhood don’t date “coloreds,” but Gladys swears she saw Nathan “give me some of that white girl pussy” Threat chasing Tabitha [Teagan Presley] around the yard.
Threat has been catapulted to a grown up size by Tabitha. And Presley’s extremely well-suited to her role as a lively and smoldering girl who’s zoomed way past puberty, and is ready for the big leagues without batting practice. A solo masturbation scene certainly gets that point across.
Tabitha’s own magic spell creates Threat out of what looks like a Manny Ramirez doll in jungle fatigues, and he’s right on her tail. But the bigger surprise is that the storyline works it to where it’s Gladys who gets her volatile anus sodomized by Nathan. And it’s really good, highly animated, physical stuff- on par with awards nomination sex scenes.
Because Tabitha assesses that she’s not “quite ready for interracial relations,” she turns her other doll into a life size James Deen and fucks him like she’s been to the jungle and seen the wild animals.
Mike Horner, as Darren, long ago trademarked silent suffering and exasperation. So his Darren character gives him plenty of that kind of opportunity in dealing with his tipsy boss [James Bartholet]. The only thing missing in Bartholet’s characterization is a raincoat and a front row seat at the Pussycat Theatre evidenced by his 3D leers when dour model Sasha Gray walks into his office.
In an opportunity that never presents itself, it might have been someone’s fervent wish to say that Gray, in light of her current movie deals, is drenched with mainstream charisma, but that would be wishful thinking. Her desk top scene with fellow model Aaron Wilcoxxx is a little too polished on mechanics and less on wildly-charged abandon.
Jenna Haze, though, as Samantha, is very much at home with comedy. She’s allowed her character to flow with ease, natural grace and a quiet smile while Aunt Clara has successfully bumbled the chance to let her celebrate her child’s first birthday. A travesty perhaps in some magic circles, but not for Haze who also has the presence of mind to send Darren off to work with a smile.
Haze’s normal gonzo character is one who likes her sex hard boiled, poached and fried over easy in sweet creamery butter all at once, but here you get more of the over easy which is fine and perfectly suited to the housewife’s sexual role in that era.
There’s a lot of finger snapping and nose jiggling as you might expect, and Clara’s mishap, brings Dr. Bombay [Ron Jeremy] in a blink arriving from a Friend Finders' convention with a couple of lines stolen from an old burlesque act and several harem girls to shake their hips in approval.
A spine stiffening all-girl orgy is, too, in the offing but that has nothing to do with the plot-at-hand, if you want to get technical about it. And it’s Bombay who figures out how to reverse the spell- as long as Clara's willing to fuck his virgin assistant Dr. Dane. [Dane Cross].
Certainly a lot of fraternization going on in a neighborhood that keeps the Freedom Bus parked down the next block.
Olympic Fever
Gene Ross [Adultfyi.com] - Ask yourself this question: when was the last time you saw Bill Margold without a mustache or Ron Jeremy with a 32-inch waist?
While the movie Olympic Fever available on DVD from Arrow Productions may not be the most accurate response from a trivia standpoint, at least it affords the opportunity of witnessing both phenomena, simultaneously.
In this slightly nonsensical production, Jeremy is on the other side of both the Atkins Diet and the American flag. He plays a Russian spy who can suck his own dick- if only for a second- just to show the canines in the neighborhood that he can. The fact that Ron does it from a standing position is all the more noteworthy.
And Seka, who emits a few grunts here and there but nothing discernible in the way of language as we know it, plays Jeremy's Platinum accomplice. Their mission, once Jeremy displays the fact that he can suck his own dick [ keep telling yourself it's not a gay act ], is to sabotage the U.S. Swim Team with the help of turncoat Paul Thomas.
[Thomas as the main go-to guy in one of the many briskly paced scenes has Seka bent over by her garter belt in one instance and lets 'er rip.]
Sexually, Olympic Fever which also includes Serena, Connie Peterson, Candida Royalle, and R.J. Reynolds, gives you lot of sexual chestnuts to chomp on including an indoor cast orgy and an outdoor coupling against a Dr. Zhivago landscape, courtesy Mother Nature. But nowhere are the scenes played to the style and length you might be used to in contemporary porn. Which is way okay for couples who probably yearn for the good ol' days of a storyline that didn't sacrifice itself on the altar of interminable sexual gymnastics.
Meanwhile, the Russian plot masterminded by a cat-fondling Blofeld character out of James Bond is to kidnap the key member of the swim team, Laurie Smith, who plays a character named Kristin, and is billed in the credits as such. More trivia. And the rescue mission headed up by Coach Ron played by Margold is an economically downsized version of the one you might see in Stripes.
Besides all that, is the fact that Smith has a protein deficiency which can be stabilized by giving blow jobs, which means she has to suck a lot of cock to go that extra lap. Smith, as you can't help but notice, also sports massive bush as though she's got an old Howard Cosell hairpiece trapped in a leg lock. Other deficiencies besides the protein one also apply to a couple of cute continuity snafus that lend character to the piece's sense of casual free-for-all and result from an unexpected said snow storm. For instance we see Margold running his team through a series of calisthenics on a warm spring day only to have a cutaway to Jeremy spying on them in the middle of a snow squall.
Closer inspection might uncover a few more hiccups, but that's half the charm of these older porn flicks. And keep convincing yourself that sucking one's own dick is not a gay act.
Deviant Tits...from Defiance/Torrid
Gene Ross Adultfyi.com - Employing the film-look, director Norman Bentley's Deviant Tits is all about big boobies and the girls who own them. And who better to start it off than Eve Laurence. Eve wraps her sensuous mouth around the curved phallus of Marco who appears to be wielding a divining rod. The question is whether to look for water and vagina; and after fucking Eve's tits, the swarthy Spaniard elects for the real estate between the legs.
Resultantly, Marco crams Eve full in five positions including the cowgirl which, judging by the camera work, appreciates the breadth of her glorious ass. Tory Lane and Destiny DeVille are as much into one another as lesbian law allows, but Sergio keeps it a threeway with an insistence upon fucking Tory in the ass. Then it becomes a power struggle for cock and Lane, with her snarling ways, detonates the screen with her sexuality. Because of Lane's all encompassing presence, Destiny's along for the ride on this one but manages to mess up the passenger's seat pretty good.
Brett Rockman is another one of those go-to guys when a pair of girls come knocking at the door. In a three ingredient cocktail of prurience, Gabriella Banks and Alex Del Monaco with her Lady Godiva hair latch on to Brett's balls and it's pretty much an even distribution of lust from there on. Brett's duly attentive- not doing one position - unless he repeats it with the other lady. Towards the end of the scene it gets pretty innovative when Banks hovers over Alex for some lesbo coupling and Brett turns them into a club sandwich, alternating holes with his bulky meat.
Then for a couple of minutes Lee Stone's almost downright romantic with Rita Faltoyano- or at least as romantic as a grizzly in a dress shirt can get without sending a Valentine's card. After tit fucking her, Lee resorts to some of his old tricks by swinging Rita in the air, landing her in a standing 69 position which he converts, using major shoulder power, into a standing cowgirl. And if you're looking for good solid ass penetration, the scene also provides as Lee's nut sac harmonizes like a barbershop quartet when he's got Rita on her knees. This is a very strong pairing and worth a second look.
And if you're going to send the audience home with a song and a smile, no one does that better than Alex Sanders. Candy Lee, his partner, has hair like corn silk so it's only imperative that corn holing be brought into the repertoire. In some unusual stylings, Sanders, wielding his cock like a blunt instrument goes back and forth between holes. Certainly one of Sanders' indelible performances and Candy crackles as well
